Friday, December 16, 2011

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Ah yes, despite the warm weather, we’re actually getting close to Christmas. This is a problem. No, not because I’m afraid of a visit form the Krampus, but because I’m still down presents and oh yeah, the cards I bought with every intention of sending out, are still sitting on my dining room table untouched and unopened. What hurts is I have no effing idea when I’ll be able to actually get to any of this. I suppose I could just forgo sleeping. But then again, it wouldn’t help my situation much if I were to pass out in the midst of a card signing frenzy, landing on my pen and wind up stabbing myself in the eye. That’s all I need, an eye patch for Christmas photos. Somehow, I don’t think those come in red and white candy cane stripes for the season. :D

I should say Eff-it and skip the cards this year, but then I’d really feel like a slacker and would have to deal with being reminded of this next year when I come across the unopened boxes of cards. This, of course, wouldn’t happen until after purchasing a new batch. So then I’d feel like a slacker and feel dumb for wasting money on even more cards that can possibly suffer the same fate as their unloved predecessors. Neurotic, yes, but admit it, it’s true.

The only one person I have actually finished shopping for is the one little person who won’t even know what’s happening, and why she’s all of the sudden encouraged to rip up paper and resulting ribbons fly as of shot out of a confetti gun. Hell, I think that’s the only thing she may enjoy, which brings me to my next point; why the hell am I spending oodles and oodles of cash on the little one when she already has more toys that she will ever play with? Most of the time she just wants to eat and/or preferably, shred the newest magazines that come in the mail. Yes, there seems to be a difference. The attraction is lost the moment I finish reading any given magazine. I don’t know how she knows the difference, but she does. It’s amazing. But I digress. I have been buying her Christmas gifts since before Halloween. Yes, I fell victim to the marketing traps. From the moment I caught a glimpse of fake snow-covered shelves and detected the sounds of jingle bells being pumped through the speaker systems I felt compelled to buy, buy, buy.

Coincidentally, this is also the reason I have to relinquish control of my credit cards till the suckers are paid off. I have been hemorrhaging money through these things. It’s not going to be an easy thing to do since I feel as attached to my credit cards as Gollum did to the one ring, but I need to do something. I have never had this much debt in credit cards. Feck me!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Have Yourself a Terrifying Little Christmas

There are things that will forever be imbedded in my head as uniquely Christmas. These memories are your typical, warm and fuzzy memories of waking up entirely too early (likely an hour after my parents brought out the gifts.)

Sounds lovely, so what’s the deal with the title?

I’ll explain. Last year was the first time I ever even heard of the Elf on the Shelf. He’s supposed to be a spy for Santa that watches your child to make sure your little one behaves. Parents are supposed to move him around to make the kid think this thing comes to life in the middle of the night and in the morning goes back to being a mere doll. This year, I’ve started noticing that the Elf has grown in popularity and the more I think about it, the more confused I become over why this is. The thing is creepy. From its Bob’s Big Boy eyes, “It’s a Small World” figurine-like apple cheeks, and slightly hunched up shoulders, that are supposed to express a feigned innocence, the bastard creeps me out.

I am alone in this?

Personally, if I were a child and my parents brought in a possessed toy to “spy” on me, all the while wantonly flaunting the fact that it doesn’t care if evidence of its demonic linkage is known, ignored, and yes, even encouraged, I’d shit myself. I wouldn’t have found it endearing in the slightest. If anything, this creepy little bastard reminds me (yes, even now, as an adult) too much of the damn Poltergeist clown to be remotely cute.

Go ahead Google the thing and look up pictures of it. There are even sites dedicated to how “creative” some people have gotten with this thing. Evidence of the Elf’s mischievous nightly romps have been documented by sick parents (who I whole heartedly believe have too much time on their hands). They have made their children believe that the possessed elf has been rummaging about their homes, wreaking havoc by doing things like messing up coloring books, toilet papering the tree, dangling from a chandelier, using the toilet OUTSIDE, posing with other stuffed animals, and the creepiest of them all, resting atop of sleeping children’s heads. Seriously?!

Now, yes, I know what you may be thinking; it’s supposed to be a fun thing. He’s helping Santa. And this brings me to my next creepy thing. What the hell is the deal with the Krampus? Since when did Santa/St. Nick have a scary-as-hell demon following him about, eating naughty children?!

You’d think that somewhere in all the carols, and poems there would be a rhyme or a line about the bloodbath and the trail of destruction that was left behind as a result of naughty children being slaughtered as Santa flies through town with a monster in tow. You don’t hear a single mention of this in the “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town” song. Nope! The song only says, “you better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout.” I think it would be a much more effective warning if it mentioned, kiss your ass goodbye if you don’t behave or the only thing left behind will be a puddle of gore and bits of you stuck in the monster’s teeth. Holy shit! When the hell did Christmas get outright scary?!

What happened to the days of, the three ghosts will visit you and help you find a way to redeem yourself? Back then Dickens’ story was as scary as it got. Holy shit! No wonder kids are seemingly getting more violent. .They aren’t raging against anything, they’re trying to protect themselves from the possessed Elf that will tell on them and eventually lead to their demise as a snack for the Krampus!