Thursday, December 15, 2011

Have Yourself a Terrifying Little Christmas

There are things that will forever be imbedded in my head as uniquely Christmas. These memories are your typical, warm and fuzzy memories of waking up entirely too early (likely an hour after my parents brought out the gifts.)

Sounds lovely, so what’s the deal with the title?

I’ll explain. Last year was the first time I ever even heard of the Elf on the Shelf. He’s supposed to be a spy for Santa that watches your child to make sure your little one behaves. Parents are supposed to move him around to make the kid think this thing comes to life in the middle of the night and in the morning goes back to being a mere doll. This year, I’ve started noticing that the Elf has grown in popularity and the more I think about it, the more confused I become over why this is. The thing is creepy. From its Bob’s Big Boy eyes, “It’s a Small World” figurine-like apple cheeks, and slightly hunched up shoulders, that are supposed to express a feigned innocence, the bastard creeps me out.

I am alone in this?

Personally, if I were a child and my parents brought in a possessed toy to “spy” on me, all the while wantonly flaunting the fact that it doesn’t care if evidence of its demonic linkage is known, ignored, and yes, even encouraged, I’d shit myself. I wouldn’t have found it endearing in the slightest. If anything, this creepy little bastard reminds me (yes, even now, as an adult) too much of the damn Poltergeist clown to be remotely cute.

Go ahead Google the thing and look up pictures of it. There are even sites dedicated to how “creative” some people have gotten with this thing. Evidence of the Elf’s mischievous nightly romps have been documented by sick parents (who I whole heartedly believe have too much time on their hands). They have made their children believe that the possessed elf has been rummaging about their homes, wreaking havoc by doing things like messing up coloring books, toilet papering the tree, dangling from a chandelier, using the toilet OUTSIDE, posing with other stuffed animals, and the creepiest of them all, resting atop of sleeping children’s heads. Seriously?!

Now, yes, I know what you may be thinking; it’s supposed to be a fun thing. He’s helping Santa. And this brings me to my next creepy thing. What the hell is the deal with the Krampus? Since when did Santa/St. Nick have a scary-as-hell demon following him about, eating naughty children?!

You’d think that somewhere in all the carols, and poems there would be a rhyme or a line about the bloodbath and the trail of destruction that was left behind as a result of naughty children being slaughtered as Santa flies through town with a monster in tow. You don’t hear a single mention of this in the “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town” song. Nope! The song only says, “you better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout.” I think it would be a much more effective warning if it mentioned, kiss your ass goodbye if you don’t behave or the only thing left behind will be a puddle of gore and bits of you stuck in the monster’s teeth. Holy shit! When the hell did Christmas get outright scary?!

What happened to the days of, the three ghosts will visit you and help you find a way to redeem yourself? Back then Dickens’ story was as scary as it got. Holy shit! No wonder kids are seemingly getting more violent. .They aren’t raging against anything, they’re trying to protect themselves from the possessed Elf that will tell on them and eventually lead to their demise as a snack for the Krampus!


Cathy said...

Love your post, but I have to admit that I have never heard of Krampus. I also have to agree that Elf looks a lot like the poltergiest pic that is in the post.

Maddy has Elf on a Shelf, and for the moment, she really is loving it. Last week was a classic moment. Pat put the elf on the entertainment center, on top of the Xbox. When we went home to her house after school, Elf fell off and went splat onto the shelf when she ran over. The look on her face was priceless, she looked over and had the panicked look of - Oh God what do I do now? Of course we wern't able to touch him, so elf took a nap until she went to bed and he could be placed in a new spot.

BeeOhVee said...

HA! See, terrifying! :D

Yeah I personally hadn't heard of the Krampus until this year. Hell, as far as I was aware, you got a lump of coal when you weren't a good child. You didn't get eaten alive by a monster. I think I would have been a much better behaved child had that been the case. Hell, as it was I became almost neurotic about bathing after someone in church told me that people got leprosy because they didn't bathe. I was no older than five when this happened (we were still living in Puerto Rico). For the longest time, I had to bathe, at the very least, twice in a day.

BeeOhVee said...

Correction, not almost. I WAS neurotic about bathing.