Was I Wrong?

I did something yesterday and it’s kinda bugging me a touch. So, you know, I have to air it out here.

So as you know, Aaron has been struggling with putting the cigarettes down for good. There is no smoking in our apartment any longer. Not even in Evan’s room. Especially now that there’s a baby on the way. So Aaron has been doing well for several weeks, possibly months. But then recently, like a dumb-ass he went and had a few. Not sure why, he said he was having a stressful day, and while I can understand that, I’m not sure I can fully understand the reasons why he went and lit up when he was perfectly fine and chipper. Before you go on, I know damn well that it’s an addiction and therefore, prone to cause irrational behavior. ANYWAY...

Tuesday we spent the day with my Mom for her birthday and while we were there, I moved Aaron’s jacket and felt the unmistakable shape inside his pocket. I thought to myself, ‘I HAD to be mistaken. WHY would he have a pack in his pocket?’ I felt through the material and there it was, about a thumb-length up from the bottom edge, the lid gave just a touch. I considered my next step, but decided to do nothing. Instead, I would let it go. Perhaps there was some other kind of explanation. Yeah, right! Later that night he made a comment about wanting to smoke a giant cigarette. I nearly lost it, but rather than brining this up in front of my Mom and getting her involved, I held my tongue.

That night we went to our first childbirth class. I’m still not 100 percent convinced this is necessary but I figured, why not, I’ll listen to see what the maternity ward nurses (i.e. the experts) have to say on the whole subject and learn a thing or two. Right after the thing, I noticed he was getting antsy and a little short-tempered. He seemed a bit anxious to meet up with his friend Jerry who I know smokes. ‘Hmmm,’ I thought. Right before he dropped me off at the front of the building, I kindly reminded him to not smoke. He got really agitated and started yelling at me. “I haven’t smoked! When did you see me smoking. I haven’t smoked at all!...” It was an awfully sharp response for a simple request. Hmm... Nicotine withdrawal anyone? Ding, fucking ding!

For the rest of the night I was pretty pissed off. He didn’t get back until after I fell asleep. In the morning, however, as I was on my way to work, I got my jacket out and saw his jacket on the hanger next to mine. I reached in the pocket and wouldn’t you know it, there they were. I thought I could do something fucked up to them and put them back, but that would still mean he’d reach in and want to get one. And what if he didn't noticed I tampered with them until after he lit up. Gah! So, I just took them. I threw them out once I got outside of the building. But for the rest of the day I was pissed off beyond belief. I mean, how dare he?! Its one thing to behave irresponsibly to a certain point, but when you know your behavior, because of the damn things, is affecting those around you when they are already emotionally sensitive? That just takes fucking balls. I was so pissed, I honestly wanted to turn right back around and cause a huge fucking scene. Not to mention he lied to me. He outright looked at me, while yelling at me for no good reason, and LIED to me. But once again, I tried to cool off on my own and not think about it. It mostly worked. The drive on the way home was challenging at best. I started thinking about all the other stuff he could be lying to me about. Then my mind traveled right on into kooky town. I’m talking, I could have easily convinced myself into thinking he was cheating; was not the person I thought he was; possibly some kind of sociopath; or even worse. By the time I actually got home I was so damn agitated I didn’t even want to talk to him. I walked in and he gave me a kiss on the cheek. What the hell is that?! I kept reminding myself to remain calm and not to jump to conclusions.

I asked him if he noticed anything missing? He said no. NO. HA! I then asked him about his day. He went out to have lunch with a friend. They talked for a while, just catching up; he played with her son, read him a book and she told him about her experience with the whole childbirth thing. And there it was again that twinge of jealousy. No good reason for it, but there it was, just the same. Hormones and anger are a hell of a combination. In those few seconds I got to the point where I wanted to throw something at his head for being untrustworthy and for daring to cheat on me. Now, I knew I ventured off into kooky town again so I forced myself to calm down and behave like a normal person.

Then he stated making dinner I helped but he pretty much took charge. Hmmm? Is someone feeling a touch guilty? Perhaps. I didn’t bring the topic of the disappearing cigarette pack. I may tonight. Only goodness knows what that conversation would have led to, given my state of mind yesterday.

I still feel a touch bad about what I actually did (going through his pocket and taking the pack). I keep thinking that it wasn’t the right thing to do. But then again, in a situation like this, perhaps two wrongs do, actually, make a right. Eh. Who knows?