Hope

This is a tough post. I have been mulling it over in my head since last night and even decided not to post this at all. BUT I think, for my own well-being, it might best to just get it out there…. So Monday Aaron and I were treated to some great news. Muchkin number two was officially on his/her way. And of course, we were elated; cautious, of course, but happy nonetheless. I made an appointment for the first prenatal visit and restocked my vitamins. Yesterday, however, it came to a screeching halt. I didn’t feel so hot and I started feeling that tell-tale inkling you get when your period starts (I can’t really explain it better, so if you’re a guy. Sorry, you just have to be a woman to understand). But yeah. I called the doc and they got me in for a sonogram. My doctor, God bless him, said that the symptom my not necessarily be a bad thing. But also let me know that there’s a chance this may not be good. After the sonogram they let me know that it is most likely not a good thing. The technician couldn’t find anything. But said there is a slim chance that it’s still too early to see anything. I should say at this point, I had already come to peace with the fact that we were back at square one. So now where does that leave me? I’m actually okay. A little bummed yes, but that’s mostly because according to the Chinese gender prediction chart, it would have been a boy. But in reality I’m more concerned about what I have to do next and what I should be on the looking out for in terms of my health. But mostly, as a person of faith, I am comforted by the knowledge that this was God’s plan. And although I may not understand it now (or ever), I know that there was a reason—even if it was to make me happy enough to get me through some challenging days at work, and keep me from telling everyone to go screw themselves in the middle of an angry outburst. To some, this may seem like a simple-minded way to deal with something I just don’t understand. And it may well be. But again, I believe that during the times when there are no clear answers, those are the times that the Big guy gives you what you need to get through. For me that came in the form of a bible verse I heard on the radio. It basically said, no matter what is happening, God’s love never changes. And like that, I felt much more comfortable with everything. This was also when I made the decision to go ahead and post my thoughts on the situation Okay, now you’re thinking, um… why is the former Goth queen with the sailor’s potty mouth so preachy? I have no idea. It’s just what happened. But in case you’re concerned that I am about to go run off to start or join a cult out of grief, rest assured, I am actually in a good mood and am looking forward to retro-posting the entries from the first few weeks of the next pregnancy. No. I have no intention of posting things early on until I am sure the little one sticks. So for now, it’s back to my random musings and expressions of awe, over the amount of vomit and or poop one child can produce. And yeah, I ended up wearing vomit again last night. Awesome! I can’t wait for this f**king stomach bug to go away.