Can't Work, Ah Well

Ahhh, it should be a relaxing day at work, but it so isn’t. But damn it I can’t really think so I’ll just churn out a blog post to get the writing groove started.
Ever since I work up this morning, I’ve had Lee Dorsey’s “Working in a coal mine” song stuck in my head. In case you don’t know it, it starts off like this:

“Workin' in a coal mine
Goin' down down down
Workin' in a coal mine
Whop! about to slip down
Workin' in a coal mine
Goin' down down down
Workin' in a coal mine
Whop! about to slip down
Five o'clock in the mornin'
I'm all ready up and gone
Lord I am so tired
How long can this go on?”

So yes, the event I was working on went over very well we got a lot of good media coverage for it and I’m a happy camper. I got a ton done, but I’ve still got oodles of stuff to do to actually reach the happy place -which I’m almost convinced is fictional- called, Caught Up. Ah yes Caught Up, it’s a lovely place to visit, just south of Hogsmead and Hogwarts.

Blech. So yeah, I have a few deadlines handing over me like the sword of Damocles. But I will be damned if I get myself as worked up as I was last week. It’s just not worth it. Not to mention poor wee girl may end up coming out looking like Tweak from South Park, if I keep that up. I just won’t let it happen damn it.

Ooh speaking of the wee girl; you know how you so often hear parents say that every day brings something new once you’re a parent. It’s actually very true. I have never experienced so many random things. For example, it turns out that the wee girl is under the impression that my bladder is a bouncy house. I normally get the giggles when I feel the movements but when I already have to pee and she decides it’s time to play, it’s not so cool. Another thing is, I used to be able to sleep with very minimal movement. I used to be able to wake up, pull the corner of the cover back and viola! The bed is made. Now, not so much. Because of all the position changes, the middle of the night pee breaks, hot spells and numb hands and arm (so need to get back to this) my room, not just my bed, now looks like a frat party made its way through my room in the middle of the night. I’m talking there are papers, magazines, articles of clothing and empty cups all over the damn place by the time I wake up.

So yes, I’ve apparently come down with a common symptom of pregnancy. I’ve experiencing numbness in my right hand and sometimes part of my arm. It mostly happens in the middle of the night but it really happens at all hours. The other day I was at work my fingertips started going. As it turns out my chair at work sucks. Ah well, at least I haven’t actually started leaking yet.

I’m not kidding, this is actually something I’m happy about. Aaron seems to like reminding me about that. He thinks it’s funny. He learned all about what to do and what not to do from the book I gave him, “The Expectant Father” or something like that. So yes the book says to be nice and to not make fun of your wife, significant other, baby momma, whatever. So what does he do? Yep, he sticks to his ways and uses the stuff he learns about as comedic material. Not in a bad way of course, he’s not a complete bastard. He’s just a smart-ass who can’t help himself. So yeah, the potentially leaky boobs thing had him rolling when he first read about it. The other day he joked that I should use them as water guns or something equally ridiculous. Yes, my husband who’s about to become a father has reverted to a 12-year-old. :)

The good thing- yes despite my bitching, there are several good things- is that the rounder I get the more he insists on rubbing and talking to the belly. He’s even made it part of his daily routine. Things like that make up for the childish behavior.

Aw crap, I’ve looked at the time and I should probably get back to work. Booo.

Revenge of The Wee One

Yesterday we had our NT scan. The wee one was most displeased about getting swished around. The wee one was not positioned correctly to get the image they needed so they had to bounce the sonogram thingy on my belly to get the wee one to move around. I couldn’t help but laugh after she told me it doesn’t harm the baby at all. It was pretty darn cute. The baby looked like it was waving hello and at one point the wee one just kept mooning us, then it wouldn’t keep still. My thought was, ‘why am I not surprised?’ It figures our kid would do something like that.

It was pretty cool. We got to see much more detail of the wee one, like the facial features, little teeth buds, the ribs and spine and the heart beat. There was even a shot that let us see the developing brain. Aaron got to see it on a much bigger screen but sadly where I was, I didn’t have a very clear view, I had to see it on the small monitor. We also saw the wee one’s little fingers every time it seemed to wave hello. Aaron looked completely awestruck, looking up at the screen.

But yeah, everything looked normal so all is good. The only sucky part is that I had to have more blood drawn to do the tests for the Jewish panel. I know; I’m not Jewish nor has anyone in my family. BUT Aaron is Ashkenazi (meaning, Jewish of Eastern European descent) and so I had to be tested to see if I am a carrier for things like Tay-Sachs. Why test me? Well, because apparently it’s easier to run a test on the mother from an insurance standpoint. Booo!!

After the appointment I went back work and Aaron went home. Then, about five minutes after I get back to work I have to go to the bathroom. Then, about a half hour later, same thing. This keeps going until I leave work. I hit shitteous traffic on the way home and by the time I do get home, I’m starving and really tired. Aaron got me dinner and set up last week’s True Blood for me. A little while after I finished dinner, I start feeling a little eh. That feeling becomes a little worse. I luckily ended up in the bathroom by the time I began burping because it wasn’t an innocent burp at all. Nope. My entire dinner came back with a vengeance. I puked so hard my entire face turned red. I mean, it looks like I have small pox.

Aaron tried making me feel better by telling me I look wonderful. Dirty liar! He then tried to console me by suggesting that perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad by morning. I hoped he was right. Morning came and I didn’t look a smidge better. I had to run out to the 24 hour CVS and pick up concealer and foundation. I seriously considered not going to work but because I had two big meetings and I had just taken three days off, I decided to slap the stuff on and try to make the best of it.

I looked like RuPaul or one of his “girls.” Aaron thought it was more along the lines of Michael Jackson. Very powdery and heavily made up. Either way, I was displeased. I still feel like I have a cake on my face but at least I don’t look diseased; just freaky. So yes, the baby got me back for the sloshing. Sigh…

OMG Awesome

My friend Dave sent me this little gem so I had to share.

Just for Vizma

More fun for the holidays.

More Holiday Fun

I recently remembered these and looked them up. They still make me laugh.


12 Days of Christmas Correspondence
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

***

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

***

December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.

Love Agnes

***

December 17th

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

***

December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

***

December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes

***

December 20th

John:

What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

***

December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. .

Ag

***

December 22nd

Hey:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.

From Ag

***

December 23rd

You Creep!

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.

One who means it, Ag

***

December 24th

Listen Idiot:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

***

December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

-Merry Christmas



And in honor of my crazy hero. Love her! ... So crazy,



Martha Stewart's Holiday Planning List

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug WindowsXP (or latest version).

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

The 12 Pains of Christmas

This makes me laugh every single year. Tonight my personal favorite is number four, the card man. "Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards," and "Oh, I don't even know half these people." I honestly thought about saying screw it, I'm not sending them this year.

Here you go:



Now I know this clearly isn't the original video but it's one of the few that give you the lyrics. Besides, it's funny.

A Fun and Informative Clip

This evening I watched Zombieland with Evan. Yes, this is my second time watching this film and yes, I do like the movie that much. Afterwards, I went to one of my favorite movie review sites, Spill.com

I went there to check out reviews for a few other flicks I've been thinking of seeing, but because their reviews are usually pretty funny (and surprisingly pretty spot on), I checked out the one for Zombieland (didn't need it but was curious to hear what they had to say about it). Attached to said review was this little clip. I now share it with you.

Enjoy.

Mike The Headless Chicken

I forgot who it was that I mentioned this to but I promised I would give them the link to the story. I forgot. But I heard someone talk about it today so it popped back into my head. *snicker* I told you I wasn't kidding!

This is the story of Mike the headless chicken.

"Find The Fish"

Just about anyone that knows me, knows that I have been a Monty Python fan since I was about, oh... fetal. And if you didn't know it, my cell phone's ringtone is a dead giveaway. It's the "Liberty Bell March," a.k.a. the theme song from Flying Circus. I'm always surprised by how often people actually start smiling, giggling or start quoting Python, rather than get annoyed when my cell phone goes off.

But I digress. So I was pissed that I missed the whole Python-A-Thon on the IFC channel. Sadly, we don't have it. Boo... BUT I did get somewhat of a fix when I went up to my brother's place and on the way back home on satellite radio (we caught a broadcast of the 40th reunion special). So yes, it got me in the mood to want to watch Monty Python when I got home. The last thing I heard in the car was the Galaxy Song so naturally, I watched "Meaning of Life."

Sure Grail is the one most people think of when they think of the Python movies, but there is quite a lot to be said for this little gem. I mean where else are you going to find a group of 60 children singing, "every sperm is sacred" and the sublimely bizarre "find the fish," bit?

Now, I have never watched any movie with the director's commentary setting until tonight. It really made me appreciate the movie that much more. Who knew? I think I may have to hit my collection of Flying Circus and see if those have commentary to them.

So, since it's still one of my favorite songs from Monty Python and because it's been stuck in my head for most of the night, I've attached the Galaxy Song.